i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
