my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
