Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
