peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
