i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
