Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
