wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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