I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize