Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wish there were birth control emojis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
