your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
