Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I would ride that face into the sunset
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
