Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Congratulations! We have a period
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