im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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