life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
