walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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