I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
