I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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