you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
