I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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