he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
