So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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