I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
