Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
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Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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