Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
