I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
