On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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