i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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