I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
