Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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