I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
