Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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