3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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