I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
