she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
