if you like me you must not know who I am
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
