I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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