i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
