Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
