If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
