Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
