Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
