Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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