whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
