I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
