At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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