our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
