hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
