So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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