He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
