words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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