drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
