i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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