Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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