Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
