If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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