oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
