i think my tv is drunk
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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