I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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