It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
