everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Randomize
